I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He? As in you personified your dick?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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