I met the friendliest cop last night
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
