Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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