I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
