i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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