my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
