I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
