Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
