Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
