Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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