Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
