her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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