we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
