At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
my poor anus
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
