Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
