So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize