The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
