By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
