Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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