i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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