i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
