Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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