my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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