textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
