I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
