Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
