I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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