Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
