I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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