So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
