Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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