4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
