just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
