Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
