There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We just shotgunned beers for America
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
