woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
