FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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