I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
