you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
