the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
