whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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