He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
