Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
