Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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