I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
