His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
