For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
