I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
