can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
