I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
