the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
