i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
