toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
bring money and cleavage
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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