After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
